Serial Killer & Soul Separation

I dreamt last night that I was a detective on the case of a serial killer who was murdering people at Redskins football games. He'd already killed 8 people and we had a full team at every game, practice, team meeting, etc. I was at a game and all Bruce-Willis-in-Unbreakable style got a weird vibe from this guy who walked past me... could've been the black hoodie, sunglasses, and awkward walk. I followed him as he weaved in and out of people and pillars. I lost him when he entered a parking lot and as I was carefully searching for him he popped up from behind a car and shot me 5 times in the chest and stomach. He turned around and started shooting everyone in sight.

I decided that there was no way this psychopath would let me live, so I decided to lay there with my eyes wide open and pretend to be dead. He walked up to me and just stood there staring at me... finally I had to take a breath, I tried to make it as shallow as possible, but he saw it and he shot me in the left leg 4 times, somehow I managed not to move, but I gasped for another quick breath and he shot me in the right leg 6 times. Then he crouched down beside me waiting to see if I moved, when my eye twitched he stood up and shot me in the chest and stomach 3 more times. Right when he was about to shoot me in the head more cops arrived and shot him in the arm and legs and attacked him onto the ground.

The ambulances arrived and were taking me to the hospital, I was miraculously still alive. The paramedics were commenting on what a good mood I was in after having been shot nearly 20 times. I said I couldn't feel much and the only thing I knew to do to be in a better mood was to smile. So, that's what I did while they were pulling bullets out of my legs with forceps. I told them I'd really rather they start working on the bullets in my chest and stomach since I figured that'd be what killed me first. That's when they informed me that they were the leg specialists, not the chest/stomach guys. I asked them, sorta impatiently at this point, why the hell they didn't put me in the ambulance with the other guys! That's when I finally blacked out.

The dream picked back up months later when I was released from the hospital and started working a desk job back on the force. The first day I was leaving the office I stepped outside and this guy walked around the corner and started shooting at me. Then he was joined by 15 other guys and the whole force joined me and we had an all out gun battle. We came out ahead, but lost a lot of guys.

At the mass funeral service someone approached me looking very cloak & dagger. He told me that I was an ideal candidate for an experiment that the government was conducting with temporarily separating the soul from the body. He gave me a card that had nothing but a street address on it. A week later I went to that address where a beautiful woman approached and walked past without slowing down she told me to follow her. We hopped in the back of a limo that pulled alongside and were driven into a garage and we got out and went into an elevator that took us WAY below ground.

After giving me a physical they took me into this very large facility where there was a centrifuge, much like THIS ONE. They gave us a shot of a chemical which would induce the separation. I got into the centrifuge along with 4 others and it started spinning, after a couple of minutes a transparent version of myself stepped away from my body. It was my consciousness, my soul. The others told me to hold their hands, we joined hands in a circle and closed our eyes, then opened them and we were in heaven. Whatever we wanted we immediately had. I was able to sit at a bar and talk to anyone I wanted over the most delicious beer I'd ever tasted. I was able to learn so many different things from people I'd known who had passed and from historic figures, then it was time to go back. We rejoined hands in a circle and then woke up back in our bodies which were at this time in beds in a medical center.

At this point I don't remember a whole lot, but I know when I woke up it reminded me of "Flatliners" where I started having waking hallucinations of many past bad experiences from my life. Just when this was starting to get good and scary I woke up at 657AM. I never EVER wake up that early and I was pissed because I was really enjoying that dream!

Britney Spears and her cow vagina... ewww

So, not a ton of details because I had this dream a couple of weeks ago, but I meant to post it and just never did.

The basic gist is this:

Britney and I were hanging out on a boat, but it was more like a car on the water... so I guess a boatcar. She kept trying to come onto me, but I was just grossed out by her and her, uh... past. She was kissing me and trying to be all sexy and stuff.

Finally she turns around bends over and stands up, as she's standing up she pulls up her skirt and is planning on sitting her naked ass on top of me to rape me I guess. Which in the end, to be honest (I am a man afterall) would have probably worked, except for the fact that she had a big ole flappy COW VAGINA!!! No, it didn't look like a cow vagina it was a cow vagina. When I continued to deny her advances, she turned her head and gave me this wicked smile and she started to PEE ON ME with her cow vagina. Bleh! I opened the door and kicked her ass out into the water and kept on driving.

Quite possibly the most disturbing dream I've ever had.

Taylor Swift - Should've Said No?

Last night as I drifted peacefully off to sleep listening to my iTunes play the soundtrack from the amazing play, "Wicked" you wouldn't think that'd I'd dream about a 20-yr old Country Music Goddess, but that's exactly what I did!

The action (dream) picks up as I'm entering a local town baseball stadium, I'm on my cell phone talking to my agent. I walk into a luxury suite (yeah I know, it's a local town ball game, but there was a luxury suite, it's a dream people!). There were quite a few of my friends from here in Maryland in the suite, but on the field playing baseball was a group of my friends from high school in Tennessee.

As I entered the suite I was still on the phone, but I was acknowledging my friends and there beside my friend Corley stands non other than one of my favorite country singers, Taylor Swift! So, I'm on the phone and Taylor is obviously wanting to talk to me. I wave and give a nice nod and after another minute I (so cooly) finish the conversation with my agent and get off of the phone. Turns out Taylor knows who I am from movies (she must be an indie film fan!) and wanted Corley to introduce us. This must have been some point in the future because she looked more like 25 or so than how she looks now... she looked great, but just not 20.


Once he introduced us it was like no one else existed, she and I talked for the entire game and near the end of the game we took a walk to get away from everyone. There was an area behind the stadium where there was some farm equipment (remember, small town, Tennessee) and she hopped up on a tractor. We talked some more and then we heard the crowd cheering and knew the game was over. She jumped down from the tractor, but landed in a hole and twisted her ankle. When I took her sock off to look at her foot, it was instantly bruised, so I picked her up and carried her.

On the way back to the stadium, as I'm carrying her, we continued to talk and then we had our first tender kiss. It was very nice and soft and sweet. As we walked into the stadium and along the side of the field I looked up in the stands and saw a TON of people from high school... now I wasn't the coolest kid in HS and standing there, holding Taylor Swift in my arms, I pretty much had all eyes on us and everyone was just staring with their mouths wide open. So I whispered to her that it was people from my HS and she smiled and gave me the most passionate kiss ever that lasted about a minute... yeah I pretty much felt like THE MAN!

After the kiss my really good friends, who were playing ball, approached us with even bigger shocked looks. We made plans afterward to play poker and Taylor said she wanted to play too, so of course that was cool.

On the way to the poker game she was talking NON-STOP and she called her manager and told him to cancel her Nashville concert the next day because she had twisted her ankle, but when she got off the phone she excitedly said to me, "I really cancelled the show because I wanted to be able to spend more time with you babe!".

Then she started talking about how this was going to be the best relationship ever and I was obviously better than her past boyfriends and we were going to have so much fun and where should we live Nashville or Maryland and on and on and on...

That's about the point when I started to panic, my vision started to spin, all sounds from other cars (horns, engines, doors slamming) were amplified, and I woke up screaming... NOOOOOOO! :)

Don't ever blackmail me... or threaten to turn me in for murdering someone for blackmailing me!!!

I was in NYC meeting with this guy who was blackmailing me and my girlfriend. Things got heated and I pulled out my .45 and I shot him. We started scuffling and eventually I shot him in the head. Somehow my gun got pretty banged up. I got in my car and drove back to Maryland and put him behind me. I knew no one would come after me because this guy was a lowlife criminal.

Apparently my ex and her boyfriend were supposed to go to NYC around the same time I was there and they made a list. On the list was - Josh's Wallet. In a cell phone conversation with her I got in a fight (big surprise) with her and told her I wanted my fucking gun back (different from the one I took to NYC) and she said that I could have it next week.

A couple of weeks after I had returned from NYC, the cops come knocking at my door and ask me to come down to the precinct with them. Oh, and I should bring my gun with me... the .45. So, I get in my car and drive to the station and my real-life friend Gene, who isn't a cop in real life, interviews me. He asks me where I was on the date I killed the low-life. I told him I was sick and stayed in bed all day. He is looking at my gun and he asked me how it got so messed up, I told him I didn't know. He looks at me and says, "How do you not know how your gun got so messed up?" Panicing inside, I look at him and say "I don't know".

He then pulls out a tape recorder and shows it to me. He says, "After you hear this maybe you'll tell me the truth." He pushes the play button and I hear my voice yelling and then I hear my ex's voice. I'm a little puzzled, then I ask her for my gun back and she says next week. Gene stops the tape, he then puts a list in front of me, it's in my ex's handwriting. I look at Gene and he points to the bullet,
- Josh's Wallet. He leans in and says, "I'm not sure why you'd want to cover for her, but now you know we know. I need you to tell me the truth. I need you to tell me that your ex stole your wallet and used your credit cards in NYC, she and her boyfriend then took your gun that she had and killed a man who she had hired to blackmail you out of the money that you were hiding from her. She then gave you back the gun and that's how it got messed up".

A little in shock, I sat there staring at him putting it all together in my head. She was the one blackmailing me! So, I gladly then regurgitated what Gene had just said.

Later that week I was exercising with my buddy Jeremy and he was either yelling at me to exercise harder or he would tell the cops that I am the killer, so I hit him in the head with a sledgehammer. I immediately felt horrible remorse, but it was over, so I buried him in my back yard. I was feeling really really bad.

I was set to begin filming a movie the next day with Nicole Kidman. A whole movie crew was coming to my house. The night before everyone was going to arrive, my gf looked in the backyard at the same time I noticed that the rain had beat down the dirt and it had made indentions in the shape of the body. I ran outside and scooped more dirt over the body. Then I go to the front of the house crying because I killed Jeremy and I'm just praying over and over that it was a dream that I could somehow reverse time and not have done it. Then she comes up to me and says, "I just saw a body back there, didn't I?" I said "No, what the hell are you talking about?" She says, "Yes I did, I saw a body, you killed that son of a bitch that was blackmailing us didn't you? Well fuck him, good for you baby, that's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me!"

We then fucked and afterward I looked outside to see Nicole walking up, and she and Jude Law sat down in chairs and he looked pissed and was giving attitude because he apparently didn't like her and didn't want to be in a movie with her. I went up to them and said if they didn't get along I'd fucking fire both of them.

I looked outside and some cops were coming up and my stomach dropped.
- The rest of this is played out in a simpson's like cartoon -
The cops tell me that they've matched my gun to the bullet in the guy in New York's head and they had arrested my ex and her bf. Then as they're leaving birds start circling the "grave" of Jeremy and land and start pecking at the ground and then he sits up threw the dirt, coughs a few times and looks around bewilderd. He has some red welts on his face and I run over and hug him thanking God that he's not really dead and he gets out of the ground and we go back inside and have a beer.

Sorry Jeremy, I'd never kill you in real life, I swear!

Old ladies and Nazi plates

I was trying out for my little league baseball team but I was an adult. After trying out they cut me! I couldn't believe it, I was very upset. Then this sweet little old lady wrote me a note and gave it to me. It was basically telling me not to worry about it and that she cared for me no matter what.
I went back to her house with her because after talking to her she was telling me she had a lot of stuff she would sell me really cheap before she died. So I was going through her things and she had perfect coins from the 1700's and she had a couple of Hitler's china plates with the SS on it. I was on my phone on the internet looking up prices to offer her for the stuff. Then there were some people screaming obsenities about her outside. I asked her who it was and with an oblivious smile on her face she said "just some kids having fun". So, I went to the window and yelled at them to shut the fuck up and we got into a shouting match back and forth, they pulled out guns and started shooting at the house. I asked the lady if she had any guns and she handed me two big ass 45s and told me where the bullets were. The shoot out continued, I was picking them off one by one. I put her in a corner and told her to stay there, I got grazed on the head and took a bullet in the lower outside of my back (the lovehandle) but I killed them all ending when I shot one upclose in the face. In return she gave me all of her valuables, unfortunately the Hitler plates were shattered to pieces. :(

Say What Again Motherfucker!

I was on the street and I was a cop, my partner was Samuel L Jackson. We were chasing this long haired guy for a drug bust. We finally chased him down and he pulled out a gun and pointed it at this woman who was about 8 feet away from him. He told us to let him go or he'd shoot her, SLJ jumped in front of her and he told him not to shoot. There were 4 of us cops and we surrounded the druggie. I came up from behind him and grabbed him and got the gun away from him. I wrestled him to the ground and SLJ started asking him about his boss, the druglord who we were really after. He kept saying, "what?". SLJ plants his foot in the middle of the druggies back, grabs a handful of hair and yanks his head back hard and puts a gun to his temple. SLJ says, "Say what again motherfucker". He then started talking.

We talked him into helping us bust his boss. We made plans to "buy" a large amount of drugs from his boss at a hotel on the top floor. When SLJ and I got to the top floor we were standing there waiting and I saw a door open and a bed. Since we were 2 hours early, I told him I was going to take a nap. I was about to climb into bed when I see that there is a woman in the bed. I came out and told SLJ, he said the hotel set us up with this room and there shouldn't be anyone here. A couple of minutes later, this woman walks out of the bedroom and is shocked to see us. She makes her way for the phone and SLJ dives through the air with his badge in his hand to show her that he's a cop. She's like, I don't care if you're a cop, you're in my suite. Frantic, she went back into her room. I walked in there and she's sitting next to the window with her tits hanging out. She looked despondent and was holding a pill in her hand. She asked me something about opening the window and I looked at her and asked her if she was thinking about jumping. She chuckled and said of course not. Then I hear something behind me and I turn around to see another woman in the bed with no clothes on. She says, "Good morning". I looked at her and said, "Nice tits". They were obviously lovers. Then there are all of a sudden 3 small (ages 2-6) kids, 2 boys and one really cute little girl. They say good morning to me, and I start talking to them, I tell them I'm a cop. They asked me if I was there to keep their Mama Beth from killing herself. I turn around and she's standing behind me naked with her arms outstretched and blood flowing down her arms from the slits she's made in her wrists... and I woke up.

The Russians Are Coming... The Russians Are Coming!!!

I was at a remote CIA building that was really like a HUGE high school type building when a group of russian terrorists came in and took everyone hostage. I kept trying to tell them that they were making me late for work and I had to go, but they wouldn't let me leave. They starting giving everyone "inoculations" with a needle gun type thing only it had 3 needles that they jabbed into your arm and injected some kind of thick green serum.

They said they were going to bomb the whole area with some kind of chemical and they were experimenting with us to see if they could make us immune. I somehow found the leader's daughter and seduced her with my grammar school russian and soon had her spooning naked with me on the floor. I had her talked into helping me escape when a bunch of henchmen stormed in and whisked us all away to another location. Once we got to the other location this big fat russian took myself and a couple of other hostages in an old 60-ish convertible. He said we were going to get something to eat. I told him that I had left my jacket with my wallet in it back at the original building and since he wouldn't want to pay for my food, would he mind stopping by the other building so I could run in and get my wallet. What I really wanted were my keys that were in my jacket so I could escape in my truck and inform the police.

He agreed to let me back in the building, but he said he would get in trouble if anyone knew, so since they had people at the front door I would have to sneak in through a side entrance. He pulled up to a brick wall and I had to get on top of the car and jump onto a fire escape and go in through a small window. He said I had to be back in 10 minutes or he would call the other bad guys and have them kill me.

Once I was inside I realized I was on the completely wrong side of the building and I was going to have to really hurry to get to my keys. As I was running through the building I came out into this enormous indoor shopping center, there was a Best Buy, Ikea, and a whole bunch of strange named stores I had never heard of. I seemed to be running very slowly and was making very little progress. I was running through a particularly busy area and this woman in front of me changed her course and I ran into her. I turned as I continued to run and told her I was really sorry, but I couldn't stop. She started yelling and me and followed me telling me to come back and apologize, since I was running so slow, I couldn't seem to get away from her. She kept cursing at me and finally told me that she was going to get her huge scary husband to kick my ass. He came around the corner and he was huge, but by the time he got up to me, he was a midget the size of Vern Troy (Mini Me) and I stopped and put my hand on his head while he attempted to kick and punch me. When he tired out and sat down I apologized again and turned and was actually able to run at full speed finally!

I came to this outdoor area and it was just one big long stadium of football field after football field. Turns out it was all of the South Eastern Conference (SEC) teams and they were all playing games. I stopped at the Alabama - Arkansas game long enough to see Mark Guillon throw a touchdown pass to Jimmy Johns, I screamed "ROLL TIDE!!!" and then I was back off to the races.

Why didn't I just stop and tell someone that I saw what was going on? I have no idea, to me the only option was to get to my car so I could go tell the cops.

I finally get to where my jacket is, but I'm not outside and I have to get back in. However, there are all these russians out front and they are taking down names in a book, like a check-in list. As I'm about to go up to the woman at the front to check in I see my girlfriend. I go up to her and tell her to go to the parking lot and find my truck and wait for me there until I can get my keys, then we'll go to the cops together. So, as I'm going up to the check-in list she walks up and stands next to me and says she didn't want to go to the truck all alone. I'm like WTF!! now they're going to take you prisoner too! So, they want her to sign in and they find out she was not a previous prisoner, so they throw her on the ground and inject her with the needles. This one big guy is sitting on her and she's screaming at him just not to touch the goods, so of course he starts patting her down and starts beating her breasts like a drum. He announces, "We got some real hard boobies here boss, I think they are fake ones."

So, I tell her to shut up and do what they want so they don't hurt her, and they take her away.

At this point, I woke up from the dream and had to go use the bathroom. I came back to bed, laid down and went back to sleep and went right back into the dream:

I'm in my truck, escaping with my keys and wallet somehow. Instead of going to the cops, I decided to go to my friend Jake's house, who can speak MUCH better russian than me. I had a plan, I was going to have him act like he was one of the terrorists and he could go in and get my girlfriend back for me. I went in to his house and he was sitting there playing a video game. I told him what was going on, but he didn't want to stop his game. I'm yelling at him and then told him he could pause his game and I'd take him back home before I went to the cops, so he agrees to do it.

I get him in the car and we drive up to the front of the building and I let him out. At this point I realize he has a pair of boxers on and a black and pink robe and that's it. The robe says in big letters across the back "PRINCE". He walked up to the front and they wanted him to sign in, but he just started yelling at them in Russian and they let him in thinking he was one of them. He went in and was back out with her in less than 10 minutes. We jumped in the car, dropped him back off at home and went to the police station and that's when I woke up.

Help Billy Bob, this Pit Bull has a hold of my nuts!!!

I was going to the theater to see a play with my girlfriend, when we got there we had seats right next to the stage, but they were kind of under the stage so we couldn't see shit! So, I went back to the back and tried to get our seats changed, I was successful and on my way to our new seats I saw Billy Bob Thornton coming up the aisle and he was shaking fan's hands as he passed. I shook his hand and knew that I had met him somewhere before, but couldn't remember. I told him this and he said, yeah that's right I met you at your grandpas funeral. He said, "You're cool, we should hang out sometime." We were in Vegas, so I told him we should gamble a bit, so he put his number in my phone. People at the theater were getting pissed because we were standing in the aisle talking while the play was going on. Billy Bob looks at this rather large angry woman and says, "Would you fuckin' shut your fat ass up lady, don't you fuckin' know who I am?"

After the play my girlfriend got really upset when I was trying to call Billy Bob on the way home because she didn't want me to hang out with him because he is a trouble maker. I told her that I can't believe that she would keep me from hanging out with a celebrity and hooking my friends up too. I couldn't dial the damned number anyway because I was so drunk. She got mad grabbed my phone and threw it down and it broke all over the front porch.

The next morning I was on the corner of the porch where she threw my phone and I was on my hands and knees trying to get a piece that had fallen threw a crack and her pit bull came up and started sniffing my ass and my nuts, no biggie until she clamped down and started playing tug of war with my ball sack. IT HURT! She ran up and got her off and was hugging me telling me she was sorry and that I can hang with Billy Bob or whoever I want, anytime I want. Then this dude that is on a rival pool team of mine, and he's REALLY fat, came out and sat on the porch and I finally notice that he's skinny. I'm like, "Meathead", (that's what I call him because he looks like Meathead from Archie Bunker) "what the fuck happened to you, how'd you get so skinny?". He says, "I went to the doctor to get some more medicine and they told me I was using way too much for someone my size, so they ran some tests on me and they found this tumor the size of a person in my belly!" While pointing to his tit he says, "Look, I don't have man boobs anymore!!!"

So, then I went to hang with Billy Bob and he was selling marijuana out of the back of this old country store. I waited around for a couple of biker guys to finish their business and then we headed out to the casinos. We did well, but it was tough getting through the crowds of people who wanted to get his autograph.

The next thing I knew I was at my friend's house waiting around to take him to an eye appointment that I had been waiting around for to find out that he had asked 2 girls to take him also so I got mad at him and gave a good long speech about what bullshit it is and how I reserved the day to do this for him and I didn't appreciate him wasting my day... blah blah blah and that was it.

Bond, Josh Bond

I was working with this super secret spy unit that nobody knew about, the headquarters were out in the middle of the desert and we flew in to work every day on little taxi lear jets.

If this were a movie we would have seen this rebel agent do risky thing after risky thing until he finally cost someone their lives and got kicked out. Well, now he is Dr. Evil to my Austin Powers. He once tried to poison an entire city by contaminating the water supply. That plan was thwarted by yours truly.

This day started out like any other, I flew in to work, but then I received a phone call from you know who. He stated that there was a package that I wouldn't want to miss seeing someone open in the heart of the city, he said the 4th of July was going to come early for some lucky people today. So, naturally I'm thinking bomb. I gathered the entire agency together (there were about 20 agents) I started telling everyone what I wanted them to do. i wanted 4 teams of 5, a bomb expert on each team. We had to fan out in the center section of the city and use his clues to find the bomb, if that's what it was. We also needed a poison expert and toxic materials person on each team, in case it was a chemical weapon of some sort. A lot more went on in the dream, like running around a college campus looking for Pearce Brosnin, smoking some dope and wishing I had smoked a lot more (I guess that is why I'm watching Half-Baked right now). Finally we were all about to roll out and I stopped everyone and pulled the "boss" aside. I told him something wasn't right. Then it hit me, this guy wants nothing more than to destroy our agency, we are about to all leave to go to the city and leave the facility basically empty with nothing but a couple of security guards and the janitors. We will all be traveling together away from here. I realized that there was no bomb or package, it was just a ploy to get us all out of here. So, I gathered up all of the janitors and security guards and dressed them up like agents and sent them out in the cars and to get on the planes. Once they were away in the air, and we were in janitors outfits and security guards, sure enough he pops up, somehow with a fake ID and fake thumbprints and eye scan to get in, we grab him and that was it. He had some kind of poison that he was planning to put in the vents and time it to go off with our arrival. We live to fight another day.

The War Is Over - Bush says so!!!

Yet again last night the world was being taken over by aliens. The government had us on lockdown and I was holed up at some security checkpoint and they wouldn't let me leave the building. I was some wizard/warlock, but nobody knew about it and I hadn’t used my powers in a long time due to suppression and fear of being outcast or killed. I kept telling them if they would let me go I could do something about the aliens. They didn’t believe me, so I shot some lightning bolts out at two of my friends and shrank them, then brought them back to normal size by saying a spell. They finally let me out of the building and I took off running and jumped into the air, intending to fly, but I just started falling towards the ground. I stopped with my face about an inch from the ground and I hovered there. I kicked off and went into the sky and started blasting these alien ships with some of my spells and lightning bolts. I single-handedly defeated them and when they were done Air Force One flew by me and I saw the President waving at me and giving me a thumbs up from a window.

War of the Worlds Part III

I was in a cafe talking to some people and out of nowhere a samurai guy shows up and pulls out a sword and says he's going to kill everyone present. From my side I pull out a sword of my own and start fighting with him. It goes on for a while and I cut him on the neck, he's stunned and I step forward and finish the cut and take his whole head off! Samurai after samurai show up and I take each of their heads off as they come. I feel really bad after each one, but I don't really have a choice, it was either kill them or be killed. After they were all gone, law enforcement shows up and they are treating me like I'm a criminal! I keep telling everyone that something weird is going on, but no one believes me. Then there's a loud noise outside that sounds like an airplane taking off and a huge space ship is rising up from the ground. I point and say, "See, I told you, it's the fucking aliens!"

So, then, as if I were watching a TV show, my view zooms out to a position in the sky and I can see that a chasm has formed and there are hundreds of spaceships rising from the earth. There are beams of light shooting out from the bottom of the ships hitting people with them. I think they are killing people, but when my view goes back to the first person on the ground, I can see that the ships are just messing around with the people. They're taking one person off a bicycle and putting them behind the wheel of a car or switching clothes on people or taking someone's clothes off.

Then I woke up glad to see I was wearing what I had on when I went to sleep.

Tralfamadorians tested my IQ last night...

Had an incredible alien dream last night. I love it when I wake up after a dream feeling like I've just watched a great movie, only I was in it. It must be the same feeling that Russel Crowe gets after watching Gladiator or Denzel gets when screening Man On Fire...


I was driving down the road at night when I see a grouping of five lights fly through the sky in front of me. I look off in the direction that the lights went and see 3 different sets of lights, each in a pentagon shape. The 3 groupings are darting all across the sky in impossible patterns and then they form into a triangle and a large ball of fire ignites in the middle of them. The ball of fire then shoots into the sky and out of sight. At some point I have pulled my car over and made my way out of the car and am staring up into the sky alone for miles in each direction. after a few minutes the ball of fire comes back from space and goes back in the middle of the triangle, hovers for a minute, then shoots back up again.

(In my dream) I wake up the next day feeling disoriented and much like I am hung-over. I slowly begin to remember the lights, feeling as if it was very real, however dismissing it as a very surreal dream. Later that day I was watching the local news and they are talking about a meteorite that appeared to reverse it's direction. Locals reported seeing a meteorite fall from the sky, then go back into the sky, then fall again towards Earth. I call up some friends and tell them what I think I saw, but no one believes me. So, later that night my friend and I are watching football on TV and the ball of fire appears in my living room, just hovering 2 feet off the floor and almost reaching the ceiling. It's not hot, so I guess it's more a ball of light, than a ball of fire.

My dream gets a bit fuzzy at this point, but I can remember key components. The ball of light seems to be a communication device for the aliens. The aliens were communicating with their home planet when they sent the ball of light back into the sky last night. Now, they were communicating with me. They apparently want to test the intelligence of humans and find out if we are capable of sustaining any kind of mutually beneficial relationship with them. In order to test our potential the aliens sent me (via the ball of light) an incredibly intricate structure made out of lego-like pieces. The pieces each had a smaller version of the pieces inside of them. What I needed to do was dismantle the structure and remove the inside pieces and put together a replica of the larger structure using the smaller pieces. Since the pieces inside each piece was not the same as its case, I had to dismantle the whole thing before being able to start, making the project much more difficult.

My friend and I deemed this task impossible and for whatever reason took the whole thing down to the boardwalk in Atlantic City. This autisitic kid came up and started putting the smaller pieces together and within 20 minutes had the whole thing done. As my friend and I are standing there mouths agape, his mother nonchalantly says, "My Jimmy sure does love Legos".

We took the masterpiece back to the house where the ball of light was still hovering and placed it in the middle of the light and it disappeared. Next thing I know we are the Ambassadors of Extra Terrestrial Affairs (ETA) and are heralded the world over as heros.

At this point I woke up, hopefully the aliens didn't end up destroying us or something cuz that would have completely ruined the whole hero thing... And what were we supposed to do give some autistic kid the credit? I think not, what's the point of being an intergallactic hero if you can't get some tail from it?*



*This is not to say that autistic people can't get tail, but it is my admittedly non-fact based opinion/observation that most people suffering from autism aren't getting too much ass!!!

THAT'S Friendship!!!

I was dreaming my friends and I were on a trip to Florida. We went and settled in at this really nice hotel. We went surfing and were just hanging at the beach when I found this odd little statue. I put it in my pocket, being Ebay man and figured I would try to sell it later. Later that day I was hanging with these girls that were in the room next to us and they were talking about how tough it was to be a girl, I said I'd happily trade places cuz they can get laid any time they want, get free drinks, basically if they're hot they can get anything with a little flirting. Well, at that point the statue in my pocket started shaking and I was instantly inside the girls body and she in mine. I was able to just want to go back and the change was reversed. Realizing this did I try to use my new talisman as a way to acheive power? No, I decided that I would perform a selfless act of charity. A friend of mine is 26 and hadn't been laid in quite a while. So, I decide that I'll line it up, then in the beginning of the act, I'll switch places with him and he won't have to do anything but pump. I tell him about my plan and he's down for it, whenever we're together and the opportunity arises I'll hook him up.

We go to see this girl that we know who moved to Florida. She's in a dorm room and I tell her about my plan. As I'm finishing telling her, a girl that looks like Scully from the X-files comes out of a room and my friend says, "Hey, Scully. Look at this stud, he's from Maryland and wants to hang out". Scully comes over all happy and sits down and starts talking. My friend from Fl is talking to my sex deprived friend and they kind of move away, then this other really hot girl comes out and sits down and joins us. We start talking about something, can't remember what, and they contradict me. I tell them I'm right, but they say I'm not(I KNOW I am). So, I bet them that I am right and if I can prove it, I get to have a threesome with them, they immediately both say ok without even looking at each other... SWEET!!!

So, I of course prove myself right and take them in to their bedroom. I'm getting them all warmed up and realize how hard it's going to be to actually switch with my friend when I get them naked, PLUS he hasn't had sex in a while, so a threesome might be overload, he's not going to know what to do with two at once!!! Well, that's not for me to judge, so after making them hot and throwing it to both of them for a couple of minutes I reluctantly switch with him.

I have no idea what happened with him next, I was actually in his body out in the hall. I look at my friend and say, "Wanna do my friend?" She said, as long as you're in there, sure, but DON'T go back to the threesome!! So, I took his dick and fucked her. It was definitely different doing it from a 6'4" vantage point as opposed to 6'almost 2" frame. But it all worked out the same.

After it was all over, he came out, as me, of the room with a BIG smile on his face.

My Own Simple Life

I was in a small town and everyone knew me. I was hanging out with a few guys who were real nerds in high school and for some reason I walked up to this real stuck up looking dude on the street and borrowed his very well kept french poodle. I took it somewhere specific, but can't remember where now. I was on the way back with the dog and I realized I had been gone for a really long time, so I started running so the owner wouldn't be too mad about it, but the dog got off the leash and took off across the street. I went across the street and put the leash back on the dog, but it wouldn't follow me and I couldn't budge it at all, so I finally gave in and just let it lead me all over the place. At one point it ran up a tree and I had to wait for it and it finally jumped down and I caught it. Eventually, I finally got the dog back to its very flustered owner. It turns out the guy that owned the dog was actually several different people in my dream so far.

I played some baseball with some more guys from high school in a yard. After the baseball game, I walked in to town and was standing in line at this barn like place, but was planning on drinking there. Paris Hilton came walking down the street and she waved at me. Then her sister, Nicky, came walking up leading 2 horses and she and I talked for a while. Then I explained to whomever I was standing next to in line that I had partied with the rich girls before. Unfortunately, this is where the dream ended... SO many possibilities!!!

Tom Arnold's My Grandpa.. AHHHHHH!!!!

I was fishing in a boat with Tom Arnold who in the dream is my grandfather. Even though we have a boat, we're fishing along the bank. I keep catching these monster fish, one was a huge catfish that weighed about 100 pounds, a bass the same size!!!!, a 4-ft shark, and for some reason I also kept this tiny bass the size of my hand. We finally took the boat out away from the bank, I set my hook in what turns out to be an enormous whale. He takes off jerking me out of the boat. I'm flying through the air holding on to my grandpas fishing pole for dear life. I'm bobbing in and out of the water and he dives deep which makes me let go of the pole.

I start swimming back to the boat and the whale, as if taunting me, swims up next to me. I'm reaching my hand into his mouth trying to get the pole back, because I know my grandpa was gonna kick my ass if I lost his pole. I wasn't able to reach it. I get to the boat and he gets me back in and says it's 6pm, time to go. I'm not happy about this, as I'm having the greatest day of fishing ever. I'm begging him to let me stay with the boat and for some reason I grab his arm and take a good bite, causing him to almost crash in to some rocks, NOT helping my case to stay at all. All of a sudden this hot asian girl comes up on the deck, she says she wants to stay and fish with me. Finally my grandpa (Tom Arnold) relents, being a man he can't help it at this point. Unfortunately, I woke up before it could get freaky deaky! :(

Sky Captain, Pooty-Tang, Blue Lagoon Medley

I was at a college football game and went to the bathroom.

There were girls and guys in the bathroom, I walked up to a urinal and whipped it out and started whizzing. This girl walks up to me, takes a good look, then busts out laughing. Now, I've never been one to be shy or insecure about my manhood, so I was a little surprised.

I looked at her and said, "What the hell are you laughing at? You're ugly, you can't make fun of anybody!"

She says, "Don't you know who I am? I'm not ugly, I'm a supermodel. I'm perfect!"

I asked her to come closer and I started picking out all her flaws, she had an overbite, some acne scars, her nose was too big, etc...

Obviously distressed by my comments, she bursts, "I'm Giselle and every man in the world would die to date me!"

I told her that I never even liked her in the airbrushed pictures, much less now in person. (which by the way is total BS, I think she's hot!)

As soon as she defiantely stomped out of the bathroom there were 4 or 5 ear-shattering explosions. I ran out of the bathroom and there she was shrinking against the wall crying out in terror. I grabbed her and ran out of the stadium. Gigantic alien robots (think Sky Captain) were invading the city stepping on cars and blowing all kinds of shit up. She and I ran through the streets narrowly avoiding the bots footfalls. I found my motorcycle and jumped on after throwing her on the back. I was flying down the road weaving in and out of flaming cars being blown up in front of us and finally came to the ocean. I plucked her from the back of the bike and took off down a path that cut through a cliff wall. I told her we needed to find a cave to hide in until the robots moved on. We came upon a huge mansion carved into the cliff wall. There were a couple of people out front guarding the gates, when we asked if we could come in, they said they would have to ask "him" if we were allowed access. "He" was Chris Rock with curly purple hair in a jerry curl. He walked up to us with his entourage busting jokes left and right, unfortunately I can't remember any of them, but they were hilarious. He stopped the comedy act and was being an ass, so I cussed him out and punched him in the mouth and we moved on. We found a cave to move into and of course we ended up falling in love and mating and decided to live Blue Lagoon style all alone. We weren't sure what happened to the rest of the world, but we didn't care!

Lesbian Ex-wives and Secret Government Church Excavations

I was at my old church, in Tennessee where I grew up, on an excavation dig for a secret government agency (yeah, that's what I said.) There was this old man there and he pulled out a couple of sticks of dynamite. I looked at him and asked him what the hell he was doing. Just then he accidentally lit one of the sticks and I ran over, grabbed it out of his hands and threw it as far outside as I could and it blew up. One of the other workers told us that there were explosives all over this church in case someone found out that whatever we were looking for was here, the government could blow it up. Then old guy lights another damned stick and I threw it, but when it exploded it started a chain reaction with all the other explosives. I ran out of the church and took off running down the street trying to outrun the blasts when a hundred cop cars flew past me and cut me off. They made me get down on the ground and threw the cuffs on me and then I blacked out.

We had been going all over the place to party the day before and I ended up with 3 cellphones on me. We were at some doctor's house partying and I somehow left with the phone of the doctor's daughter who was in Chicago. I called him and said I'd send it to her there, but he didn't want me to because she'd run up the charges so he told me just to keep it. I also took a cell that looked exactly like mine that turned out to be my friends.

Next thing I know I’m in this facility that people are cutting the bottoms of my shoes out and they are about to shave my head and I’m screamed, "What the hell are you doing?" They say I’ve been convicted and will be in jail for the rest of my life. I asked how the hell I was convicted without going to court. They told me that I had been in here for 3 months and they held a hearing and I was convicted. I start freaking out and they tell me it’s because I didn’t have permission to work on the church, but it’s really a government conspiracy because I was working for the secret government agency and they’re trying to keep us from some secret that they don't want to get out to the public. I tell them I am a member of that church (from when I was a kid) just as they’re putting the razor up to my head. Then someone on a mic says, this could be a problem, bring him to my office. So they take me to the wardens office and she starts being REALLY nice to me. I tell her that I want to talk to my lawyer right now. So she gives me my cellphone, which turns out to be one of the three cells and it's the one that looks like mine. Of course I don’t know the number becuas it’s in my cell, so I try calling my only friend that I actually know his number, no answer. Then I call the ex and some girl answers and coldly says, your ex-wife and I got married last week, we’ve been seeing each other since before you guys broke up. I’m stunned, but I’m just like, bitch put her on the phone. She finally answers and sounds the most depressed ever. I tell her what’s going on and ask her for my lawyers number, she gets off the phone for a LONG time. They finally brought my actual phone, but I couldn't get the menus to work, so I still couldn't get to my numbers. I call my grandma to make sure I’m still a member at the church but no answer. I’m walking around this big room with really nice views, they’re giving me all the time in the world. The Ex finally gets back on the phone and gives me the number. And I start grilling her as to what’s going on. I'm sitting behind two tough guys who are smoking cigars telling me to keep it down, I’m loudly bitching her out. She says that they got married 3 weeks after I was arrested. WTF!!!

I told her that there was a chance that I was going to get out and that we could talk about it then. Then I asked her to bring my kids to see me, but realized I didn’t want that to happen if I was going to get out I’d rather them not see me in jail, but I asked her what she told them, thought maybe she told them I was on vacation or on a trip for work. She said she told them I was in jail, I asked what she told them I was in for. She said I raped her!!!!!!! I went nuts. I ended the phone call with "I NEVER WANT TO FUCKING SEE YOU AGAIN, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE I WILL TAKE YOU TO COURT AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN FOR THIS BULLSHIT!!!!"

The 2 guys are asking me if I’m gonna play ball out in the yard. I say what else is there to do, they said play pool and poker, then I envisioned gambling, and all of a sudden the place wasn’t looking too bad. So, I have the conversation with the lawyer, then some real sleazy government guy who I already knew from somewhere came in the room kissing my ass, gave me a PSP to play while I’m waiting and is really schmoozing it up, then shakes my hand and tells me he’s eating here tomorrow night and I can join him If I want to.

As I finished talking to him, I went over to a big window and these two enormous lizards, around 5 feet long, walked up and climbed up the window and just stared at me. Then I woke up very glad I wasn't actually in jail!

Yeah, I'm a Very Good Pilot, Very Good Pilot

I was learning to pilot planes and was thinking about buying a 747, so I flew to Russia and decided to try one out. I took it up with my friends Jake and Jason, who I happened to be out drinking with last night. I was going in to land in the middle of this mountain range, but there was a big semi in the middle of the runway, so I pulled up, WAY up. I was completely vertical and kind of losing my bearings. By the time I got it under control we were 400k feet in the atmosphere and Jason was freaking out telling me I was an idiot. Then he’s like, "Ok, someone has to stay with the ship as it’s burning on re-entry, I’ll do it." I grabbed him and said, "That’s stupid, I’m the pilot I have to do it." So, I went into the cockpit and did what needed to be done, got us into the earth’s atmosphere and put it on auto pilot and came back to tell them that we were going to be ok. As soon as I got to the back the plane dove straight down and we looked out the window and all we could do was stare as the ground got bigger and bigger. We strapped ourselves in and the plane landed nose first next to my house. We got out of the plane, which was sticking straight out of the ground, our women came running out of my house all freaking out. They started hugging us and telling us they thought for sure we were going to die.

Then I woke up, this is an awful lot like what happened in the latest Star Wars when Anakin had to pilot the ship back in to the atmosphere and crash landed, guess that's where it came from? But over the years, I've had at least a dozen dreams about crashlanding a plane and miraculously making it out alive. One time I dreamt I crashlanded a 757 and as it was skidding on the runway, pieces kept breaking off and eventually I ended up riding a fast-shrinking piece of metal, skateboard style, until it disappeared and I tumbled to a stop. That one was pretty cool.

Where's the Fucking Paper???

I dreamt that I was hunting in the woods with my grandfather. It was the opening of hunting season, so there were a ton of guys with shotguns all over the place. We had these weird things like sleds that were propelled by rockets but skipped along the ground like a rock over water and were steered in the air by little directional rockets. I was planning to meet the ex-wife and kids, we were supposed to go hiking alongside a river and I was already supposed to be there. I left my grandfather to go meet the fam. I was skipping (on the sled) along through the woods and kept getting shot at by the hordes of hunters who thought I was a deer. I was going along a road and was really getting some air and sometimes travelling on one skip for like 30 seconds.

I got to the river where I could see my kids and they were on this rocky cliff that was about 80 feet above the water. I was trying to slow down, but it was hard. I had to steer around this tree which put me a little off course and when I got to where they were I just missed the cliff and was falling towards the water. I stuck my foot out to hit the side of the cliff and flipped over and dove head first into the water. The current swept me under and I got sucked under the rock that was the cliff. I went all the way to the bottom and started trying to swim up but couldn't find my way to the top. I started to get worried that I was going to die under the water. I found this tiny gap between the rocks and the surface, but it was where this huge boulder was balancing above the water. My ex-wife, which was actually now my friend's wife, pushed her face through and breathed into my mouth, giving me enough air to go back under and try to find the way out. At that same time for some reason she tried to fit herself through the gap. Which caused the boulder to come lose of the wall and fall into the water. Some lose rocks from the wall fell and hit her in the head and also hit my kids and my neighbors three kids which were with her now. My neighbor's son had a big square rock embedded in his head. My son had the butt end of a steak knife stuck into the back of his head behind his ear. One of the neighbors kids had a knife, blade end, sticking in his head, right beside the outside of his eye. One of the other neighbors kids had two knifes sticking out of his hand, Edward Scissorhands style and the other neighbor's kid had a small rock in his head. They all had fallen in to the water, so I jumped in and I threw them all on shore. I called 911 and the damned operator kept asking me stupid questions like , "What do you do for a living: A. work hard, b. work lazily, c. do nothing, you're a bum..." I'm like a., then another question and another. Finally she's like why are you calling, I said cuz some fucked up shit just fucking happened. They sent a medivac and we went to the hospital. Neighbors came and were cussing me out, we got in to a big argument and I was telling them it was an accident, they finally settled down. All the kids turned out fine somehow.

I woke up, in the dream, and I was Roland, The Gunslinger from Stephen King's Dark Tower books and I really wanted to write down my dream. I was in a house with an older guy and his son and I was holding them hostage. I couldn't find any damned paper in the house as paper in Roland's world is very rare. I was running around like a mad man cuz I knew I was still actually having a dream and if I could just write the dream down in the dream, I just knew I wouldn't forget it. At the same time, I kept getting distracted by the worldly things in the house like a TV and electric can opener, cuz Roland is amazed by techy, modern stuff. I'm yelling at the old man, "Where's the Fucking Paper???" Finally I got a piece of paper and a pencil and the old man in the house kept interuppting me before I could write anything down and I was getting pissed. Then I woke up for real for just a second and I was like, DAMN I wanted to write that in my dream, so I let myself go right back to sleep and amazingly I was back in the house trying to find paper again, as soon as I found paper, I couldn't find a pencil and when I finally did I woke up. When I wrote this down it was still around 7am, so as soon as I got it all out, my happy ass went right back to sleep!

Me and Donald... We're Tight!

I dreamt my employee and I were playing slots and somehow we were playing without having to put our money in. We won 20k, then made that into 250k. Well the casino employees said we couldn't have it because they discovered that we didn't play it right. I wasn't happy, so we were talking to the man in charge at the casino. I said, I'm calling my friend Donald Trump and he'll take care of this. Well, I thought it would scare the crap out of the owner if he knew I was friends with DT, he didn't care. The Donald said he couldn't do anything for me because he didn't own the casino and he couldn't force one of his competitors to give up a quarter of a mill because that would help him, then he actually asked me about Miss USA!!! (see earlier dream) We had a long convo about her that I don't remember... Unfortunately, I can't remember anymore of this dream, because I know it was much longer and better. I just had to put it on here though cuz it's like the 3rd dream I've had about DT in the past month, not sure what that's about except for the fact that I am doing a lot of stuff with real estate right now... maybe it means I'll be as rich as Donald, without the hair, soon???

Hangin with Run DMC and Grandma

In my dream last night I was at home in Tennessee and my grandma won an evening with Run DMC on the radio. They showed up at the door at 10pm and I invited them in. They came in and for the next 5 minutes their posse was still following them in. We were playing kickball in the yard and just chillin in lawnchairs drinking long island ice teas. They left at 4 in the morning and I went to sleep.

The next day I woke up and had to go to a movie premier that I was in and had 2 lines, I was excited because I just found out they definitely kept both my parts in the movie. So, I went to the theaters and wanted to find out what people really thought of my part, so I went into a men's locker room and there were a bunch of guys in there who had just worked out. I went up to one of my college professors and gave him a book, which for some reason switched our minds and I went in to the theater and could hear what they were saying about me. I was in the movie fighting gladiator style and I looked just like Brad Pitt, everyone was talking about how great I was and how good looking I was, but that I would never make anything out of my career because I look too much like Brad Pitt. Then I started getting worried that I would not be able to switch back to my apparently good-looking self, and that's when I woke up....

Thankfully, I was still good-looking... just not quite Brad Pitt material. :)

Talkin women with Trump and making out with Miss USA

This dream was SO good I woke up with a pool of drool the size of Texas encircling my head on the pillow and laid there smiling for 5 minutes remembering it! Miss USA is a good kisser!!!

I was at the Miss USA pageant in the front row, Miss Maryland and I had some kind of connection and she smiled at me everytime she came out. She ended up winning and the next day I saw her at a baseball game. Not an O's game, but a youth baseball game, sitting in the tiny bleachers. After the baseball game, there was a bike show going on, these guys were riding motorcycles and jumping up in the air. Miss USA came up and sat down next to me and we started flirting with each other. I started out holding her hand, next thing you know we're making out on the bleachers.

While kissing her, I close my eyes and think about how great this is and how righteous it's gonna be to show her off to my friends... I open my eyes and I'm standing in a mall. Damn, where'd she go? I start walking around and something falls out of my mouth, I look down and it's a molar, I pick it up, examine it and drop it into a Hot Topic shopping bag that I'm carrying around. My other teeth started falling out too, and each time I'd put them in the bag. I touched one of my front teeth and it shattered in my mouth, at one point, my mouth was full of tooth shards, like wet chunks of worn rock on a beach. I was spitting all the pieces of my teeth in to the bag and when I looked in the mirror my remaining teeth were all black. When I looked in to the bag, there were pieces of my teeth all clumped up, but also lots of needles, the type that come stuck in to a new shirt along with a bunch of all metal tacks. Maybe that's why my teeth were cracking???

I'm thinking great! there's no way Miss USA will ever want to be with me now! I'm more upset about the loss of the trophy girlfriend than the fact that my teeth are shattering!


Black out.... I'm in a field and am being shot at, there are 3 or 4 guys with me shooting back at the people shooting at me/us. I have no idea how I got here or why I'm being shot at. A helicopter with the rear end of a truck plops down in the field next to us and I run and jump in. The chopper is about to take off when the last of our guys jumps in the truck bed. It's this really big black guy that I work with, he's about 6'4" and at least 400lbs. The chopper is REALLY straining and we barely make it over the treeline and are sputtering along for about 5 minutes. We go to land in another field and the pilot who is having a hard time keeping us steady turns to me and tells me Miss USA (he said her name, but I can't remember it now) is calling me and he hands me my phone. Of course I can't hear over the blades roaring over my head. Due to the weight issue, we are going down hard and the pilot performs a controlled crash landing that leaves us mostly without injury.

About a minute after we land, a huge black helicopter and a smaller white one lands nearby. The huge black one is Donald Trump's personal limo/chopper. I went to get on Mr. Trumps ride, but there was a doorman, yes a doorman and he wouldn't let me on. I jumped in the back of the smaller white chopper and a couple of my old baseball buddies from high school were in the back. I was saying what's up, when my friend and his wife come up and are about to get on the black chopper. I run up and ask them if I can come on with them and she told the doorman to let me on. When we went in, there were a lot of people running around, mostly workers. One offered me champagne and another offered me some cavier. I took out my phone intending to call Miss USA since it was much quieter in this one. One of the workers told me they had to confiscate my phone because the helicopter was secure and I couldn't make outgoing calls. But there was a desk with list that I could sign up to use the onboard phone, but it was a long list and they would come find me when it was my turn, but it could be a few hours! So, chit-chatting with Miss USA was on hold once again. I made my way up to the front and ended up sitting next to Mr. Trump. I looked out through the cockpit and we were flying straight for a big concrete support under a huge bridge. As we're getting closer, a secret door opens up in front of us in the support and we fly right into it! I look at Trump and he gives me this look like I better not say anything to anyone about the secret door, I said, "Don't worry Mr. Trump I can be pretty unscrupulous myself, you don't need to worry about me." He said, "I didn't think so, I would like to hear some of your stories sometime. In fact, I think other people would like to see you too, maybe you would like to come on my number one hit show and entertain America?" I'm like, "Hell yeah!".

After about 20 minutes of flying through a tunnel, we came out at a large estate and landed next to a gigantic house. We hopped into a limo and pulled up in front of a restaurant. As I'm about to go in Mr. Trump stopped me at the door and we stood there and had a 30-minute chat about women. He was telling me how I needed to forget about Miss USA because I'm rolling with him and I could have any woman I wanted. I told him the only reason I wanted her was so I could say I dated Miss USA! He laughed, and I said "Fuck you, Donald. I've never seen you without a trophy woman hanging off your arm!" He said, "You got me there." Then he opened the door for me and we went in.

We were in the restaurant livin' it up, it was like we owned the place. A couple of my friends were there and they were only there because I had invited them and they were giving me the "fist high-five" - What the hell do you call that anyway? I decided to go outside and talk to Miss USA on a phone The Donald gave to me. When I got outside, I was about to call her and I looked up to see a police helicopter flying pretty close with a spotlight shining down on the parking lot, and they go to land when they see Trump's limo. They are apparently after us, so I go to run into the restaurant to warn everyone in there to get out, but as I'm running the room is getting bigger and bigger and I'm basically going nowhere. When the cops busted in I ran to the left and went through the kitchen into a back room that was very dusty and broken down looking like no one had been there in 30 years. There were two other people in there trying to hide up in the top of these really big windows. I picked up a brick and tried to break one of the windows to jump outside, but it just bounced off. I could hear the police coming after me, so I ducked into one of the windows and just stood still. When they came in the room they were about to see us, but got a call on their radios and they toook off the other way...


That's when I woke up. I was happy the cops weren't really after me and that I had all my teeth, but disappointed about not hanging with Trump and VERY disappointed the Miss USA thing wasn't real!

With Blood Flowing Down Her Thighs We Scrogged on the School Bus Floor

There was a lot more to this dream, but as usual it became fuzzy before I could get it typed in today:

I was with this girl that plays on my pool team. She's a little chubby, but it's not a bad chubby she's tall and has ENORMOUS boobs. Her fiance is on our team too, and I'm always playfully flirting around with her and smacking her ass and he loves it, because it apparently turns her on and he has great sex afterwards. So, anyway, in my dream we were hanging out in this house and she started kissing all over me and was telling me how she wanted me to fuck her right now. Well there were other people we were talking to, and she's rubbing my dick and I'm still trying to talk to the other people, so I'm like, ok let's find a room where no one is around, but the only room we could find was next to a board room where my bagel shop friend was sitting across the table and just was staring at us and the door wouldn't shut, so we start making out and she's shoving my face in to her crotch.

All of a sudden the meeting lets out and my friend walks up to me and starts talking to me, so we stop foolin' around. Then we're on a school bus and my bartender is the driver and big boobs wants to fuck me right there, I'm saying we can't do it on a school bus, but apparently my sex drive wins out and we're fucking on the floor of the bus (can u remember how dirty those floors are???), she's on the rag and starts bleeding all over the place and she's going to town loving it (of course!), but the bus driver/bartender calls the cops and we get locked up.

My grandmother comes bails me out and then we're at her house and she's telling me how disappointed she is in me. My dead (in real life, not in the dream) grandfather is there and he's laughing hilariously and telling me how proud HE is of me for the conquest.

In real life my friend's fiancee said that she could have sex on his boat with any one of his friends but me. I was trying to figure out if this was a compliment, as in if you have sex with him, you'll never WANT to have sex with anyone else again OR if it means he thinks I'm a skanky man-ho and he doesn't want to go catching anything. Turns out she got pretty drunk the other night and I asked her why I can't fuck her (not that I ever wanted to in real-life) and she said it's because she talks about me a little TOO much to him and he knows she really likes me.

Oh well, I got her in my dreams and I'm satisfied with that!!!

Woke up next to a stranger. Thank you Donald Trump.

This was some crazy shit last night, unfortunately I can't really remember that much,

I know there was a LOT more...

I'm at this bar where there's tons of people and Donald Trump is walking around taking pics. He comes up to me, hands me the camera and says, here son take pics of hot chicks and their tattoos, tits, whatever... for me. It'll get you laid, I promise, and give me the camera back when you're done.


I realize I haven't brushed my teeth in days and they're all gunked up and my breath is horrible, so I ask Catherine Zeta Jones, who is apparently my friend to get me a toothbrush and some toothpaste. Right after that some woman gets caught stealing stuff. I start taking pics of her while she's being arrested she gets mad at me yelling and spitting at me, I act like I'm going to hit her, she starts threatening me that she's going to sue. I'm still taking pics of her. She's serious white trash.

I wake up the next day in bed next to some chick I've never seen. I get out of bed to go to the bathroom and this house is amazing. Some old white dude is going into the bathroom and there are 4 sinks, so we both go in, he starts shaving but spills water all over the place. There's this silver vacuum like thing on the floor and he points to it and says, "That thing's great for picking up water." So, I start using it, but it starts smoking and when I read on the side, it's just a regular vacuum, NOT for picking up water. Bastard!

I go sit on couch this real hot black chic breaks up with her boyfriend
right in front of me and she's just wearing panties and a bra. Then he gets on a bicycle in the house, he's pissed and rides it out the door. The chick that I woke up with comes out and just kind of mentions in conversation that she just broke up with this serial killer that she was going out with who was in prison. He has AIDS, I wasn't happy about this. In fact, I calculated in my head what day 6 months would be so I could get my test.

She leaves and the black chick comes up to me and says, "Why you trippin" because obviously I was freaked out. I told her and she grabs my hard dick and says "You don't got AIDS bitch, I'll swallow your cum to prove it to you". Which she proceeds to do. Not bad... but I'm still afraid.

I left there and went to another house that I apparantly needed something out of, the front door was open, but when I went in to the Living Room, there were two black guys sitting on the couch, one of them was smoking a bong while the other one was sucking the other guys ENORMOUS dick. The guy getting his dick sucked was the new ex of the chick that just sucked mine. I acted like I didn't see them, went to a bookshelf and grabbed a book. They said something about me getting my ass out of there, and I said, "The door was open fellas." and then they started bitching at somebody for leaving the door open. When I turned around there was this 12 yr old kid sitting there on a chair by the door playing a gameboy.

I ran out to the car and just wanted to get the hell out of there and there were 3 other guys there and they were laughing at me, because they apparently all knew the 2 guys smoked each other.

After that it gets hazy, I was going to some broken down apartment building that some friends of mine lived in, I remember having a conversation with my friend who just lost 25k in Vegas this weekend, and I was asking about how that felt. I can't remember anything else...

Hot Crazy women and their obsession with me...

Wow, what a dream. I really hope that I can get most of it down...

I was at my grandparents house in TN (g-pa recently died, but he was there in the dream)
and was eating dinner, lots of my friends from MD were there. One of my friends was asking my g-pa why he had all the Christmas trees around the house, and I looked and there were at least 6 pine trees in various corners throughout the house. He replied, "Because I like to decorate them."... ok...

We're sitting at the table and I look over to my recently married, recently had baby friend and knowing that we're already scheduled to go out Thu/Fri/&Sat night I ask him if he wants to go out with us Wed night, and he says, "Yeah, probably." Well, his wife overhears him and turns to him and says, "Whenever you want to start acting like you're married let me know, until then you can stay with your fucking friends." Then she calmly turns back to her food and continues to eat. I stand up from the table and start walking towards the kitchen, I turn and not so nonchalantly whistle to him to join me. He comes into the kitchen and I look at him and say, "WHAT THE FUCK dude? What crawled up her ass?" He doesn't know. I said, "What's the point of being married if you're gonna sit at home and rot with a controlling bitch???" My other friend joins us in the kitchen and he basically says the same thing I did. Controlled friend says, "You're right, I'm going to get a handle on this tonight!". (Real life, he's nothing like that, he hardly ever goes out with us anymore, and she hangs too, so she's with him most of the time he does go out. She's also not controlling, she's cool. I'm not that much of a pig either!!!)

I walk out of the kitchen and everyone's dispersing, as I'm walking out to my car, my g-ma's walking across the road and she's saying bye to everyone, then she just walks off. I yell to her, "Don't worry about saying goodbye to me" and then I flip her off. (This is horrible, I would NEVER do that to my g-ma, she raised me, she's like my mother. I even feel bad in the dream after I do it.)

I go to leave in my car and this guy I used to work with and play pool with is in the back. He wasn't at the party, but whatever. So, we're driving about 2 blocks away and I realize I've forgotten my phone. So, instead of driving back, I decided to leave the car where it was and run through neighbors back yards. I hopped a couple of fences, and there were two really hot naked chicks in this pool, they asked me to join them and we had freaky 3-way "Showgirls" sex in the pool. Good stuff!!! But, even though it was in the pool it wasn't a "wet dream". (ok, I'm laughing at my own little joke there)

I finally get back to the car by going through this big school building and the car is parked on the street blocking this big bus and everyone on the bus is out and gathered around my car laughing cuz my friend is passed out in the back and drool is hanging from his chin pooled up on the seat. There's also a girl that I don't know passed out in the front seat.

I weave through the crowd and drive off, but am lost immediately. I get a phone call from this hot 21 yr old that used to work for my friend and she would hang out with us at our friend's band's gigs.
She says, "Josh, I really need to talk to you, do you think you can actually be honest about love and can you give me a clear and honest answer to all the questions I have to ask you?" I'm like, sure. She's sounding very despondent so I tell her I can be there by 10 in an hour, she says, "Josh, please pick me up by 930 and we'll go to a pool hall or something, this is very important and I really have to talk, maybe I should have just called someone else."
Now, this confused me, because from the first part of the convo I thought she was wanting to talk to ME about feelings for me or something, ego takes a bit of a hit...
I tell her I'll try. Meanwhile I'm still freaking lost and am trying to figure out where the hell I am.

Then I get this phone call from an ex-gf and I say "This is Josh" just like my voicemail on my cell, so she thought she was leaving me a msg and she started what sounded like reading from a prepared speech that goes like this:

"Josh, I am in love with you, I can't live my life without you. When you left me, you ripped out my heart. I have been a wasteland of emotion for the past 6 months. I saw you the other day, but couldn't bring myself to talk to you. Seeing you for the first time in such a long time was like a breath of fresh air. Life filled my heart again and I know there could be something for us if we just try. Josh, you are everything to me, come to me, love me, fuck me, cum inside me again, I need you."

And then she hung up. I'm now officially freaking out. My friend in the back has stirred and I tell him what just happened and tell him how bad I'm freaking out. I'm talking about how I was just fucking her and I stopped talking to her because she didn't mean anything to me and she annoyed the fuck out of me. Then I start telling him everything that annoyed me about her. As I turn to get his reaction I see that the girl that was asleep in the front seat is now sitting up looking at me... IT'S THE EX-GF!

She's crying, calling me a bastard and opens the door and jumps out of the moving car. When I go back to look for her she's gone. Weird.

Despondent girl calls back, she's crying saying she just doesn't care anymore, I hear the roaring of an engine and she screams into the phone, "I'm driving my 70,000 dollar car at 130 miles an hour and I don't care what happens to me or it!!!"

I'm trying to calm her down, I'm afraid she is going to kill herself and it'll be my fault cuz I got lost! I'm still driving around with no clue where I am or how to get to her. As I'm asking her to meet me somewhere, my phone starts ringing again....

I wake up, my REAL phone is ringing. I DON'T answer it...

Triple Feature at the Josh Cinema

Wow what a night of dreams I had last night. The unfortunate thing is as soon as I woke
up I ran off to work and was extremely busy all day, so I wasn't able to enter the dreams after
I woke up, so I will do my best to recount them...

I was walking in a parking garage with my friend James and these 3 skinny punk kids came up to us and were trying to start some shit. One of them kept pushing me in to my friend and I kept telling him to stop, but he was talking trash and just being a punk. So, then they left us alone. Then we flash away from this scene and I'm walking up to my car later alone and 2 of the punks are kicking the shit out of James next to my car. Then we are in a bunk house like place where there are a lot of beds and those same 2 guys have knives and James is laying on the ground all bloody. I take out of my pocket a little nail clipper with a tiny little nail file on it and start stabbing one of the guys in the stomach and face. Surprisingly this takes this guy out. Then I kick the other guy in the face and take away his knife which turns out to be a big cleaver. I take the cleaver and start swinging at this guy and end up taking all his fingers off, blood's spurting everywhere! Then I look up and see some cops coming down one of the isles and I realize it's not looking too good. I'm standing here with 2 bloody guys, I have the knives and my friend is lying on the ground. Except when I look down James is gone. So I wave down the cops and they come over and I look up and there's James laughing completely cleaned up in regular clothes. Some kind of practical joke I guess, or maybe he wanted me arrested? Either way, for some reason the cops believed me and I got off! :)

Next dream I was hanging out with my friend and his new wife and he told me he wanted me to take her out and "show her a good time", he wanted her to get all her wildness out and he wanted it to be with me instead of some stranger. Well, I'm like ok. She's hot, why not? Thankfully the girl in my dream wasn't his actual wife she was some hot young blonde, but it was cool. We actually ended up spending a weekend together at this really nice resort. There was a huge pool that we were hanging out in and had sex all weekend long like rabbits. Only problem is I could feel myself really starting to fall for her. It was really great kissing her and holding her, and I was starting to have really mixed feelings... We were down at the pool and this guy walks up to the pool with a machine gun and spit off a few rounds in to the pool and a few patrons. He said he had planted a bomb and was going to blow everyone up unless we transferred all our money in to his account. I got all the girls to take their tops off and distract him while I came up behind him and knocked him out! Hero Josh to the rescue! I found the bomb and started trying to disarm it, all the people crowded around me and watched (yeah that's a good idea, let's all crowd around the bomb!) So, I yelled at them all to run away, but they just stayed there. I difused the bomb by, of course, cutting the red wire. :) I took her home back to my friend and we did it one more time in the car on the way there (yes while I was driving). We went back to my house and I called him to come pick her up. He did and as they were walking out, she leaned over and gave me a real passionate kiss. Damn it was nice. Then I saw the next time we saw each other she snuck real quick soft kiss while he wasn't watching. I was really conflicted over how I was going to deal with it and then I woke up. :)

Ok, well I said it was a triple feature, but just in the past 10 minutes of typing the previous two, I have forgotten the 3rd... Maybe I will remember them later....

Sudo Celebrities and their mobster fathers

I know this guy, Johnny Alonso, he is an actor (Dawson's Creek, One Tree Hill, has a couple of kids shows on Discovery) and his family owns a restaurant/dance club here in B-more and my friend's wife dated him for a few years.

I dreamt last night that I was at his restaurant hanging out with my friends. Johnny was hanging out with us and we were drinking quite a bit (surprise!). I went to the bathroom and when I passed by the kitchen I heard someone scuffling. I looked around the corner and there were two wise guys beating up on some guy, there was a gun laying on the floor. I turned to get out of there, but when I turned around Johnny's brother James was right behind me. He's little, so I knocked him out of my way and I took off running. I Told my friends I had to get out of there and ran out and jumped in my car, but when I took off Johnny's dad and some thugs ran out of the club and started shooting at me. They chased me all through Baltimore, ending with me running my car off a pier and in Alias style, I spent the next 10 minutes inhaling the air out of one of the tires until the thugs were convinced I was dead. That's when I woke up...

As usual, there was lots more action in the dream, just can't remember it all...

Chasing semis

Well, I have been dreaming, but seems I've spent too many nights on the town lately, so when I wake up, I'm hungover and the dreams are a bit foggy.

Last night I had a dream I was back home in Tennessee at my grandmother's house sitting on the front porch. All the grandkids and were playing in the yard. It started raining and a flood came that basically turned the road into a river. This semi came around the corner and drove off the road and started driving in the ditch along side the road, that for some reason didn't really have that much water in it. There were a couple of kids in the ditch, I had just yelled at them all to get out of the ditch, but there were a couple still in there playing in the water. The semi tried to stop, but ended up rolling his wheel on top of one of them, so I ran in the house and grabbed a phone to call 911 and yelled out to all the other adults that someone just got run over. All I could think was please don't let it be my son, thankfully it wasn't. But by the time I got back outside the semi had backed up and was about to drive off. A quick check showed the kid was hurt pretty bad, but was going to make it. So, I jumped on a motorcycle and chased after the semi. Insert here semi chase scene from the Matrix Revolutions movie. :)


Then I had another dream about being in Greece again and drinking WAY too much for 3 days straight and was on the plane with a friend and we were being obnoxious on the plane. Can't remember too many details of this one, and the semi dream was really long and more involved, but the other details have faded....

Until the next dream... Take care!

Help Desk Hotties

Well, since I'm starting to write this about 2 hours after I woke up it may be a little sketchy, but I'll try to recount what happened in the dream:

(real life) I just started a new job about a month ago, I'm working as a manager running a large network. Our office is huge and it's L-shaped, with my area being in the lower right corner of the L and the help desk is in the top of the long portion of the L.

(Dream) I got to work and decided that I was going to "mingle" with the help desk today and get to know the people on our first line of defense against problems. I went over and sat down behind a couple of guys and behind me there was no wall, just a large plain and a lake where the sun was rising, it was beautiful. There a couple of really good-looking girls that I had never seen before sitting at desks answering phones. When it came time to eat, they asked me if I wanted anything and I said sure. We ordered pizza and I said I wanted cheese and pepperoni (is there any other kind???). Well, when the pizza came the guy who brought it was this guy, Michael, who works at my favorite restaurant, Jordan's in Historic Ellicott City. Michael says to me that my two pizzas were half the bill and I owe him $50! It seems that they got me an entire cheese pizza and an entire pepperoni pizza! So, I'm sitting at a table between the two hottest girls and another right across from me. While eating I'm making eyes with the girl across from me, the girl next to me is on her cell phone with someone who's making her cry. When she gets off the phone, she uses my shoulder to cry on. Somehow her hair gets tossed across my face and gets tangled with the hair of the girl next to me creating a sort of spider web in front of my face making it very difficult to both eat and make eyes at the girl across from me. So, I'm trying to shove a piece of pizza through this poor girl's hair while flirting with a girl I can barely see at this point.

After lunch I'm talking to a friend of mine from my school days.

(real life) This guy, Lee, was a friend of mine from Kindergarden all the way through college. We weren't that close after 11th grade, although we were still friendly, however we haven't really kept touch since. For some reason he and his wife (also a highschool friend) are recurrent characters in my dreams. They just had a baby, not sure if that has anything to do with anything...

(dream) So, I'm talking to Lee about fishing and we're gliding on something, over the lake and there are Bass jumping all over the place and something tells me that this is a fish farm...

When it comes time to leave work, I'm walking out and Finch from American Pie (you know the tantric orgasm guy) is walking out at the same time and he offers his arm (much as a groomsman would hook arms with a bridesmaid) and instead of taking his arm, I say, "It's Thursday, or "Man-Love Day", so we have to hold hands".

(real life) In Afghanistan, where I was in January, the men often hold hands while walking down the road. I was talking to this US Military guy and he was saying that on Thursdays, if I would notice, the men hold hands even more than usual. This guy said that all the military guys called Thursday Man-Love Day for this reason.

(dream) So, I'm holding Finch's hand on the way down the stairs and when I get outside Finch is gone and when I look down I don't have any pants on, just underwear and my black socks and black shoes. I realize that my key to my car is in my pants up in the office where for some reason I decided to take them off to be more comfortable. So, I was really dreading going back in to the office with just underwear on, but I was saved as at this point my alarm went off because I had to go to work today!

Until the next dream...

Intro to Josh's Dream World

I've always had epic dreams, dreams that could fill 5 volume books, and 2 DVDs with Extras!!!
I'll tell someone the dream I've just had and half the time they think I'm making it up. I always intend to write them down somewhere, but I have never actually done it. SO, here we are, I'm finally going to put my dreams down and why not share them with the world! They may not always make sense, in fact they probably USUALLY won't, but they are hopefully still entertaining. I hope you get as much enjoyment from reading about my dreams as I do having them.