Don't ever blackmail me... or threaten to turn me in for murdering someone for blackmailing me!!!
I was in NYC meeting with this guy who was blackmailing me and my girlfriend. Things got heated and I pulled out my .45 and I shot him. We started scuffling and eventually I shot him in the head. Somehow my gun got pretty banged up. I got in my car and drove back to Maryland and put him behind me. I knew no one would come after me because this guy was a lowlife criminal.
Apparently my ex and her boyfriend were supposed to go to NYC around the same time I was there and they made a list. On the list was - Josh's Wallet. In a cell phone conversation with her I got in a fight (big surprise) with her and told her I wanted my fucking gun back (different from the one I took to NYC) and she said that I could have it next week.
A couple of weeks after I had returned from NYC, the cops come knocking at my door and ask me to come down to the precinct with them. Oh, and I should bring my gun with me... the .45. So, I get in my car and drive to the station and my real-life friend Gene, who isn't a cop in real life, interviews me. He asks me where I was on the date I killed the low-life. I told him I was sick and stayed in bed all day. He is looking at my gun and he asked me how it got so messed up, I told him I didn't know. He looks at me and says, "How do you not know how your gun got so messed up?" Panicing inside, I look at him and say "I don't know".
He then pulls out a tape recorder and shows it to me. He says, "After you hear this maybe you'll tell me the truth." He pushes the play button and I hear my voice yelling and then I hear my ex's voice. I'm a little puzzled, then I ask her for my gun back and she says next week. Gene stops the tape, he then puts a list in front of me, it's in my ex's handwriting. I look at Gene and he points to the bullet,
- Josh's Wallet. He leans in and says, "I'm not sure why you'd want to cover for her, but now you know we know. I need you to tell me the truth. I need you to tell me that your ex stole your wallet and used your credit cards in NYC, she and her boyfriend then took your gun that she had and killed a man who she had hired to blackmail you out of the money that you were hiding from her. She then gave you back the gun and that's how it got messed up".
A little in shock, I sat there staring at him putting it all together in my head. She was the one blackmailing me! So, I gladly then regurgitated what Gene had just said.
Later that week I was exercising with my buddy Jeremy and he was either yelling at me to exercise harder or he would tell the cops that I am the killer, so I hit him in the head with a sledgehammer. I immediately felt horrible remorse, but it was over, so I buried him in my back yard. I was feeling really really bad.
I was set to begin filming a movie the next day with Nicole Kidman. A whole movie crew was coming to my house. The night before everyone was going to arrive, my gf looked in the backyard at the same time I noticed that the rain had beat down the dirt and it had made indentions in the shape of the body. I ran outside and scooped more dirt over the body. Then I go to the front of the house crying because I killed Jeremy and I'm just praying over and over that it was a dream that I could somehow reverse time and not have done it. Then she comes up to me and says, "I just saw a body back there, didn't I?" I said "No, what the hell are you talking about?" She says, "Yes I did, I saw a body, you killed that son of a bitch that was blackmailing us didn't you? Well fuck him, good for you baby, that's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me!"
We then fucked and afterward I looked outside to see Nicole walking up, and she and Jude Law sat down in chairs and he looked pissed and was giving attitude because he apparently didn't like her and didn't want to be in a movie with her. I went up to them and said if they didn't get along I'd fucking fire both of them.
I looked outside and some cops were coming up and my stomach dropped.
- The rest of this is played out in a simpson's like cartoon -
The cops tell me that they've matched my gun to the bullet in the guy in New York's head and they had arrested my ex and her bf. Then as they're leaving birds start circling the "grave" of Jeremy and land and start pecking at the ground and then he sits up threw the dirt, coughs a few times and looks around bewilderd. He has some red welts on his face and I run over and hug him thanking God that he's not really dead and he gets out of the ground and we go back inside and have a beer.
Sorry Jeremy, I'd never kill you in real life, I swear!
Apparently my ex and her boyfriend were supposed to go to NYC around the same time I was there and they made a list. On the list was - Josh's Wallet. In a cell phone conversation with her I got in a fight (big surprise) with her and told her I wanted my fucking gun back (different from the one I took to NYC) and she said that I could have it next week.
A couple of weeks after I had returned from NYC, the cops come knocking at my door and ask me to come down to the precinct with them. Oh, and I should bring my gun with me... the .45. So, I get in my car and drive to the station and my real-life friend Gene, who isn't a cop in real life, interviews me. He asks me where I was on the date I killed the low-life. I told him I was sick and stayed in bed all day. He is looking at my gun and he asked me how it got so messed up, I told him I didn't know. He looks at me and says, "How do you not know how your gun got so messed up?" Panicing inside, I look at him and say "I don't know".
He then pulls out a tape recorder and shows it to me. He says, "After you hear this maybe you'll tell me the truth." He pushes the play button and I hear my voice yelling and then I hear my ex's voice. I'm a little puzzled, then I ask her for my gun back and she says next week. Gene stops the tape, he then puts a list in front of me, it's in my ex's handwriting. I look at Gene and he points to the bullet,
- Josh's Wallet. He leans in and says, "I'm not sure why you'd want to cover for her, but now you know we know. I need you to tell me the truth. I need you to tell me that your ex stole your wallet and used your credit cards in NYC, she and her boyfriend then took your gun that she had and killed a man who she had hired to blackmail you out of the money that you were hiding from her. She then gave you back the gun and that's how it got messed up".
A little in shock, I sat there staring at him putting it all together in my head. She was the one blackmailing me! So, I gladly then regurgitated what Gene had just said.
Later that week I was exercising with my buddy Jeremy and he was either yelling at me to exercise harder or he would tell the cops that I am the killer, so I hit him in the head with a sledgehammer. I immediately felt horrible remorse, but it was over, so I buried him in my back yard. I was feeling really really bad.
I was set to begin filming a movie the next day with Nicole Kidman. A whole movie crew was coming to my house. The night before everyone was going to arrive, my gf looked in the backyard at the same time I noticed that the rain had beat down the dirt and it had made indentions in the shape of the body. I ran outside and scooped more dirt over the body. Then I go to the front of the house crying because I killed Jeremy and I'm just praying over and over that it was a dream that I could somehow reverse time and not have done it. Then she comes up to me and says, "I just saw a body back there, didn't I?" I said "No, what the hell are you talking about?" She says, "Yes I did, I saw a body, you killed that son of a bitch that was blackmailing us didn't you? Well fuck him, good for you baby, that's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me!"
We then fucked and afterward I looked outside to see Nicole walking up, and she and Jude Law sat down in chairs and he looked pissed and was giving attitude because he apparently didn't like her and didn't want to be in a movie with her. I went up to them and said if they didn't get along I'd fucking fire both of them.
I looked outside and some cops were coming up and my stomach dropped.
- The rest of this is played out in a simpson's like cartoon -
The cops tell me that they've matched my gun to the bullet in the guy in New York's head and they had arrested my ex and her bf. Then as they're leaving birds start circling the "grave" of Jeremy and land and start pecking at the ground and then he sits up threw the dirt, coughs a few times and looks around bewilderd. He has some red welts on his face and I run over and hug him thanking God that he's not really dead and he gets out of the ground and we go back inside and have a beer.
Sorry Jeremy, I'd never kill you in real life, I swear!
posted by kchertu at 9/20/2006 01:00:00 PM
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