Help Billy Bob, this Pit Bull has a hold of my nuts!!!

I was going to the theater to see a play with my girlfriend, when we got there we had seats right next to the stage, but they were kind of under the stage so we couldn't see shit! So, I went back to the back and tried to get our seats changed, I was successful and on my way to our new seats I saw Billy Bob Thornton coming up the aisle and he was shaking fan's hands as he passed. I shook his hand and knew that I had met him somewhere before, but couldn't remember. I told him this and he said, yeah that's right I met you at your grandpas funeral. He said, "You're cool, we should hang out sometime." We were in Vegas, so I told him we should gamble a bit, so he put his number in my phone. People at the theater were getting pissed because we were standing in the aisle talking while the play was going on. Billy Bob looks at this rather large angry woman and says, "Would you fuckin' shut your fat ass up lady, don't you fuckin' know who I am?"

After the play my girlfriend got really upset when I was trying to call Billy Bob on the way home because she didn't want me to hang out with him because he is a trouble maker. I told her that I can't believe that she would keep me from hanging out with a celebrity and hooking my friends up too. I couldn't dial the damned number anyway because I was so drunk. She got mad grabbed my phone and threw it down and it broke all over the front porch.

The next morning I was on the corner of the porch where she threw my phone and I was on my hands and knees trying to get a piece that had fallen threw a crack and her pit bull came up and started sniffing my ass and my nuts, no biggie until she clamped down and started playing tug of war with my ball sack. IT HURT! She ran up and got her off and was hugging me telling me she was sorry and that I can hang with Billy Bob or whoever I want, anytime I want. Then this dude that is on a rival pool team of mine, and he's REALLY fat, came out and sat on the porch and I finally notice that he's skinny. I'm like, "Meathead", (that's what I call him because he looks like Meathead from Archie Bunker) "what the fuck happened to you, how'd you get so skinny?". He says, "I went to the doctor to get some more medicine and they told me I was using way too much for someone my size, so they ran some tests on me and they found this tumor the size of a person in my belly!" While pointing to his tit he says, "Look, I don't have man boobs anymore!!!"

So, then I went to hang with Billy Bob and he was selling marijuana out of the back of this old country store. I waited around for a couple of biker guys to finish their business and then we headed out to the casinos. We did well, but it was tough getting through the crowds of people who wanted to get his autograph.

The next thing I knew I was at my friend's house waiting around to take him to an eye appointment that I had been waiting around for to find out that he had asked 2 girls to take him also so I got mad at him and gave a good long speech about what bullshit it is and how I reserved the day to do this for him and I didn't appreciate him wasting my day... blah blah blah and that was it.