Lesbian Ex-wives and Secret Government Church Excavations

I was at my old church, in Tennessee where I grew up, on an excavation dig for a secret government agency (yeah, that's what I said.) There was this old man there and he pulled out a couple of sticks of dynamite. I looked at him and asked him what the hell he was doing. Just then he accidentally lit one of the sticks and I ran over, grabbed it out of his hands and threw it as far outside as I could and it blew up. One of the other workers told us that there were explosives all over this church in case someone found out that whatever we were looking for was here, the government could blow it up. Then old guy lights another damned stick and I threw it, but when it exploded it started a chain reaction with all the other explosives. I ran out of the church and took off running down the street trying to outrun the blasts when a hundred cop cars flew past me and cut me off. They made me get down on the ground and threw the cuffs on me and then I blacked out.

We had been going all over the place to party the day before and I ended up with 3 cellphones on me. We were at some doctor's house partying and I somehow left with the phone of the doctor's daughter who was in Chicago. I called him and said I'd send it to her there, but he didn't want me to because she'd run up the charges so he told me just to keep it. I also took a cell that looked exactly like mine that turned out to be my friends.

Next thing I know I’m in this facility that people are cutting the bottoms of my shoes out and they are about to shave my head and I’m screamed, "What the hell are you doing?" They say I’ve been convicted and will be in jail for the rest of my life. I asked how the hell I was convicted without going to court. They told me that I had been in here for 3 months and they held a hearing and I was convicted. I start freaking out and they tell me it’s because I didn’t have permission to work on the church, but it’s really a government conspiracy because I was working for the secret government agency and they’re trying to keep us from some secret that they don't want to get out to the public. I tell them I am a member of that church (from when I was a kid) just as they’re putting the razor up to my head. Then someone on a mic says, this could be a problem, bring him to my office. So they take me to the wardens office and she starts being REALLY nice to me. I tell her that I want to talk to my lawyer right now. So she gives me my cellphone, which turns out to be one of the three cells and it's the one that looks like mine. Of course I don’t know the number becuas it’s in my cell, so I try calling my only friend that I actually know his number, no answer. Then I call the ex and some girl answers and coldly says, your ex-wife and I got married last week, we’ve been seeing each other since before you guys broke up. I’m stunned, but I’m just like, bitch put her on the phone. She finally answers and sounds the most depressed ever. I tell her what’s going on and ask her for my lawyers number, she gets off the phone for a LONG time. They finally brought my actual phone, but I couldn't get the menus to work, so I still couldn't get to my numbers. I call my grandma to make sure I’m still a member at the church but no answer. I’m walking around this big room with really nice views, they’re giving me all the time in the world. The Ex finally gets back on the phone and gives me the number. And I start grilling her as to what’s going on. I'm sitting behind two tough guys who are smoking cigars telling me to keep it down, I’m loudly bitching her out. She says that they got married 3 weeks after I was arrested. WTF!!!

I told her that there was a chance that I was going to get out and that we could talk about it then. Then I asked her to bring my kids to see me, but realized I didn’t want that to happen if I was going to get out I’d rather them not see me in jail, but I asked her what she told them, thought maybe she told them I was on vacation or on a trip for work. She said she told them I was in jail, I asked what she told them I was in for. She said I raped her!!!!!!! I went nuts. I ended the phone call with "I NEVER WANT TO FUCKING SEE YOU AGAIN, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE I WILL TAKE YOU TO COURT AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN FOR THIS BULLSHIT!!!!"

The 2 guys are asking me if I’m gonna play ball out in the yard. I say what else is there to do, they said play pool and poker, then I envisioned gambling, and all of a sudden the place wasn’t looking too bad. So, I have the conversation with the lawyer, then some real sleazy government guy who I already knew from somewhere came in the room kissing my ass, gave me a PSP to play while I’m waiting and is really schmoozing it up, then shakes my hand and tells me he’s eating here tomorrow night and I can join him If I want to.

As I finished talking to him, I went over to a big window and these two enormous lizards, around 5 feet long, walked up and climbed up the window and just stared at me. Then I woke up very glad I wasn't actually in jail!